BERT2011 (Bugger, Estrogen Receptive Tumor)….

Metastic breast cancer at 38

“Fatigue” … Damn you you are putting my life on pause!

This week I’ve felt really good for a couple of days… And I’m afraid I got used to it… Today and last night I’m back to tired.com and it’s sooooo frustrating!

Our boiler broke at home last week and we had a new one fitted yesterday, so I spent the day moving things and trying to tidy up… Plus cooking dinner for family and walking dog = one tiredly Janey last night…

Today I’m sat here desperately wanting to clean and tidy and paint and oh so many others things but I find that my mind is willing but my body will just not comply!!!! It’s incredibly frustrating..

Come on cancer give me my body back!

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To shave or not to shave

Well if that title doesn’t create comments!! Lol

So I bought my wig the other day, and it’s fabulous!!! I love it, I just wish my own hair was so nice! … The only problem I’m having is .. Is that it’s great fun to buy the wig and to try it on but at some point very soon I have to make the decision to wear it for real, the reality of its not just a fancy dress wig that you get to take off at the end of the night and your own hair remains is proving something quite hard for me to get over…

I have said that I will shave off my own hair when it looks patchy… The question is how soon is this going to be and how will I handle it… My hair is thinning a lot this week, and even though it was in good condition now it most certainly is not! It’s dry and brittle and generally looks dreadful… Yet still I find myself unable to take the leap and shave off my hair…

After 2 surgeries, ivf, and now 2 doses of chemo the only thing that is actually going to make me feel like ive got cancer is losing my hair… How stupid is that!!

I’m annoyed at myself for being so vain about this, hair to a woman is such a huge thing though… I know it’s going.. I wash my hair and loads of it just comes out!! I hoovered my car out today ( smallest job but jeez very tiring!) and my head got so cold!!! Is this what it will be like when I’m old and my hair has thinned?? Have to say I do not like it one bit! Thanks but no thanks old age!

So the question still remains… When shall i shave off my hair?

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Wig day!!!

Well the time has come to buy my wig… At £430 it’s not a cheap buy but my hair has been steadily coming out since Monday, I still have enough to look ok but it’s so thin and lifeless I think it’s more depressing than having none… Getting my wig styled now as i type this… What an odd sensation to be having your hair cut without actually being sat in the chair!! My new hair is in a different room!!

Can’t quite bring myself to shave mine off yet so think I’ll prob just wear the wig in the house for a couple days to get used to it… Then I’m guessing within the next few days the time will come when it really goes and andy will have to take his hair cutters to my head…

So photos shortly!!

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Chemo – round 2

Well it’s now day 3 after my second bout of chemotherapy… Seems so far to be following a similar pattern to last time which is good as I can plan my life a little.. The constant unknown of how you are going to feel each day can get very frustrating.

I had my chemo on Monday (wed now) and all went a lot smoother than last time.. My white blood cell count on the Friday had been too low 0.6 and needs to be 1.0 or above for chemo so more bloods had to be taken on monday which delayed things a little but thankfully they were back up on Monday, 3.1 so all was ok.

My Dad came with me this time, bless him it’s not a very exciting way to pass 6 hours but it’s nice to have some company whilst your sat there… Had the freezing cap on again this time… But I’ve decided not to go ahead with it anymore as I’ve noticed that my hair is thinning and coming out anyway so I think if it’s going to do that then why suffer the pain of the cool cap.

Also there is a certain amount of anxiety attached in that I feel like I’m constantly just worrying about when or if it will fall out so I think in some respects it would be less upsetting for it to just fall out and where a wig.

On Saturday me, my friend Sarah and my husband went wig shopping and I’ve chosen a long blonde wig ( which they’ve just rung up to tell me has arrived!!! Exciting!!!) made from human hair which we will need to style… It’s a very very freaky thought to think that I’ll be wearing someone else’s hair but the synthetic wigs look so fake and fancy dress like that I decided to pay the exorbitant amount of money for a real hair one..

Had a few tears on sat whilst trying on the first wig and the reality that I’m going to be bald hit me… For a woman this is a really hard experience and my heart goes out to people who have alopecia as at least I have the reality that mine will grow back eventually…

It was valentines day yesterday and Andy bless him took me out last night for a wonderful tepanyaki meal at Wasabisabi in Sheffield, we had a great time and I felt pretty ok.. Bit tired but I was so looking forward to it that i was determined for once this damn cancer lark wouldn’t get in the way!.. It was so so nice just feel like we’d had a normal night out for once.. I cannot tell you how much it means for you to have some normality when you are going through this.. Your life gets so turned around that even the simplest hints of normal are wonderful … Thanks babe I really enjoyed it xx

Off for another session of reiki today.. Not sleeping any better yet but she did say it may take a few attempts.. I have noticed though that the pins and needles in my fingers on my right arm ( the side I had the operations on) has subsided a little so maybe it’s not just mumbo jumbo and is helping?!??

The sickness has well and truly kicked in today and I’ve been taking my steroids and anti sickness drugs so hoping it will abate… Worse than last time…

Bit of a boring blog today peeps sorry… I’ll take a photo of my new wig later and post for your amusement 😉

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All set for round 2!

Well just finished my appointment at weston park.. Very proud of myself this morning I’ve been for bloods on my own!!! And didn’t pass out!! Believe me this a huge bonus!

Blood results not in at present? But 99% ready for chemo on Monday morning….

Met another lady who’s only 32, so glad there isn’t many of us at this age… She’s finished all her treatment now and just in for a checkup, had the same chemo as me… Apparently she was ok first time too, not so much 2nd time… Here we go again!!

Dads coming with me on Monday bless him, hope it doesn’t take as long this time.. They have prescribed me lorazepam this time to take before to
Calm me down before the canula’s!

So plenty of water and rest for me this weekend… Well after a night out tonight!!! Dancing dancing:-)

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Oh for some sleep

Seem to have had a busy few days recently, and I have to say today I’m tired!! I’ve not been sleeping very well, I find that I wake up in the middle of the night then I cannot get back to sleep.. Which is very frustrating. Not sure why as I’m not particularly worrying about anything at the moment.. I guess there’s the impending round 2 of chemo on Monday, but now I know what to expect its not as scary as last time.

On tuesday I went for an assessment at the Rotherham cancer care centre, this is a charitable organisation which offers counselling, support and therapies to cancer patients in my area.. We talked about what I’d been through so far and ways in which some of the therapies may benefit me..

On a side note, why is it that’s most of the time I’m ok to talk about having cancer but whenever I tell anyone new about it I turn into a mushy mess!!

Anyway, back to the clinic.. We decided to try something called Reiki to see if this would relieve tension and help me sleep. Reiki is a Japanese healing system whereby “the practitioner” places their hands on your body to channel energy to areas of your body which need healing…

I went for my first hour long session yesterday, being a rather logical person I have to say I was somewhat intrigued by this and wondered whether it was just a load of mumbo jumbo… Angela, the lady performing my reiki told me of certain effects that I may feel during the process, one being a warm sensation… I found the experience quite relaxing, thankfully I didn’t embarrass myself and fall asleep!.. I did encounter the warm sensation at one point on the back of my head…

Apparently the process is an accumulative one, requiring several session… I have to say I didn’t sleep any better last night but we’ll see… Next session is next week.. All being well.

My next chemo session is on Monday, wow 3 weeks has flown by!! Going for bloods in the morning .😒 not good…

More tomorrow peeps jx

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Today is a good day

Feeling just about normal today, off out to meet a friend for lunch so given myself a shake and put the slap on (makeup ;-0) and feeling more “normal”… noticed that my skin is paler these days… I have lost the colour in my face so to speak…. paley pale girl!.

Yesterday I was reading a friends blog.. (http://mainelyhopeful.wordpress.com/) and I was very saddened to realise that she had visited one of the “Look good Feel Good” clinics and had come away not feeling good at all!… she found that the people there were all feeling miserable and sad and not keeping their spirits up at all…. I find this rather frustrating and want to sit with those people and shout!

Yes we’ve got cancer… Oh my the big C word!!… so what are you going to do about it, sit down accept it and die?!?!?!?… So many people say to me “wow you seem so upbeat and ok”.. which is a lovely thing to hear, yes there are days when the magnitude of it all seems huge and you want to sit and cry.. but lets be frank, for myself at least I intend to beat this damn thing and then get on with the rest of my life! there are many many people out there who have disabilites and diseases which are uncureable and they have to live with cruel dibilitating difficulties every day for their entire life!.

I’m a big believer in the fact that if you sit around feeling sorry for yourselve all you achieve is making yourself feel worse…. I was reading yet another blog, (fantastic how many of us are blogging on this subject!) www.bahtocancer.comthe other day and she used an anaolgy that I think is fantastic… I hope Stephanie doesnt mind me quoting her on this .. ”

“I never talk about a battle with cancer, I talk about a dance. No one ever dies of dancing.”

So my final words today…. Come on Ladies… Lets Dance 🙂

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All quiet on the western front

Not much to report at the moment.. No further symptoms just the mouth ulcers and fatigue still..

Tried an exercise class earlier in the week.. Hmm let’s just say I was useless and leave it at that!! Very frustrating though, 3 months ago I was pretty fit now I’m back at square one!

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