BERT2011 (Bugger, Estrogen Receptive Tumor)….

Metastic breast cancer at 38

A tough day

I’m sorry all I’ve not posted for a while.. Truth being I’ve been so busy trying to get the house ready so I could move in for xmas that everything else has fell by the wayside.

First things first health update.. I went for a CT scan last week to see if the Chemo is working, I’m hoping i may the results next week.. All being well it’s working and I will have 3 more sessions of chemo, so far the new cooling cap is working and though thin I still have my hair!…

Health update complete I move to my reason for writing tonight…

Today’s a very hard day…

Today reality has hit hard that I am alone.. I will never experience the joy of having children and what christmas brings for them.. I will never get to spoil my own kids.
This year I’ve found the man I married will not be my forever man, I’ve found out me life will not be a long one and the remaining years I have will be alone.. So today it’s hit hard and I’m struggling..
Tomorrows a new day… I hope

People tell me I’m brave… But today.. The brave face has slipped… Today I just want to be over

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“Here we go again, on my own” (white snake lyrics )

It’s been a long time since my last “confession”.. Post apologies everyone I have been ridiculously busy building my own home… Literally.

For those who don’t know me I’ll begin today with a quick recap, but ultimately today’s post is to give an update to my friends and family on my current health and treatment.

2011 – diagnosed stage 2 breast cancer
2011 got married
2012 – IVF
2012- chemo
2012 -bought a bungalow to demolish and full a life’s dream of building my own home and try and put cancer behind me
2013 – fell down broke my hip – total hip replacement
2013 – found out hip was week due to a tumour… Breast cancer had Metastasised to my bones… Stage 4 cancer (Incurable)

Which brings 2014… Big year this year.

Demolished bungalow, began building… Separated from husband, getting divorced..
started Hormone treatment for cancer, failed, stared clinical trial failed…

Next Friday.. I will start Chemotherapy again.

So… here we go again.. This time on my own.. 😥… Hopefully with the help of my family and friends… But certainly if you’d have asked me 3 years ago where I’d be right now this is Not what I had in mind!!

The details… I will go for my first Chemo next Friday. And current assumption 6 lots once every 3 weeks as before.. I will loose my hair AGAIN!! My chemo this time is Taxotere, it will be given intravenously and I’ll most likely require steroids with it too… Pretty scared that this will make me look bloated.

How to I feel ?…. PISSED OFF!!!, scared.. Chemo has come 12 months early than I was anticipating.. Scared that this means my life is shorter. Upset that I will loose my hair again.. It’s really shit loosing your hair I won’t lie.

I can write no more to you all today as I now can’t see the screen for tears… But I promise I’ll be back soon… the Thorpey MOJO has been challenged this week and I need a few days to get back on track…

be right back peeps xxxx

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A new challenge

Good afternoon all! ..

Well it’s now 3.5 weeks since my last radiotherapy session and I’m back at work… It’s going ok so far.. Still hoping my brain still works!!

My eye lashes have grown back!!! I cannot explain how nice this is! And my hair is coming back… I now look like a boy! Photos to follow…

I have set myself a new challenge and I’m hoping that my followers on here will support me in some small way… On 2nd of September I will be running the Sheffield bupa 10k (6 miles!!!) run to raise money for the Weston park cancer research hospital where I was lucky enough to be treated.

http://www.wphcancercharity.org.uk/ take a look for more information…

As anyone who’s going through treatment or recently finished I hope you can understand that running 6 miles is going to be a fair effort so close after my treatment so I’m really hoping that I can raise some money to make it worth the effort…

Anyone who’d like to sponsor me can do so at http://www.justgiving.com/Jane-W

Please just £1, if all my friends did that we’d have a good amount… It doesn’t need to be a large amount every little bit helps..

Thankyou thankyou for reading and hopefully sponsoring me

Jane x

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Woohoo the fat lady has sung!!

The day has finally arrived!!!! My last day of treatment has now come and gone!!!! It’s hard to describe how I feel today…. Immensely elated at having finished treatment after 9.5 long hard months…. Now that it’s over I can say that… I’ve never wanted to moan or complain throughout my treatment as I think it just makes you feel worse and makes everyone else feel sorry for you, which was the last thing I wanted. But now that it’s over… Thank god!!!! Jeez it’s been tough, smiling when you don’t feel like it can get very wearying.

But now it’s done!!!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS it’s a wonderful wonderful feeling, no more traipsing to the hospital every day, not more thinking just another step to go, no more needles!!! No more hair loss ( hmm maybe selective hairloss would be nice!) … Huge smiles today.

There is one tiny part of me that’s scared today though… Whilst you are being treated its good, you can focus on ” it’s ok they are throwing everything at me, we are doing something” but now that’s it it’s slightly scary to think that apart from tamoxifen (estrogen blocking) tablets that that’s it… It’s the scary part of , is it gone? Will it come back?

But less about that and more about today… Going out for dinner tonight with my husband to celebrate, 🙂 Glad rags on!!!

I’d like to take this point to thank all my family and friends for their support throughout this journery… THANKYOU!!! Your kind words, thoughts and actions have meant the world to Andy and I and we humbley thank you from the bottom of our hearts..

A few important people to mention here….

Andy…. Babe it’s been a tough first year of marriage, you are my rock and I couldn’t have done this without you… Love you forever babe, only way is up xxx

Mum & Dad… Where to begin, thankyou thankyou for all the constant help, ironing, cooking, dog walking, trips to the hospital… You’ve been wonderful thankyou. x

Steph ( my mother in law) & Phil… You have really stood by us this last few months and I can’t tell you how thankful we are, trekking down to see us, taking me to chemo and just being there for us has been wonderful, thankyou x

Would also like to thank on mass the following…. Love you all and hopefully one day I can repay the favours….

Aunty Clare — the supply of home cooked meals has been too kind, and very much appreciated

Sarah, Alex, Kathy, Paul, Lorraine, Neil — for treating me as normal… And ignoring my upset at loosing my hair… The shaving party was great fun!

Emma D — so so very touched that this year when you have so so much on your plate you always found the time to come and see me to break up the day. Xxxx

Dan, — after years of not being in touch when the Sh*t hit the fan there you were popping in for a cuppa to brighten my day… Thankyou..

To all my overseas family, you know who you all are… I love you and thankyou so much for all the messaged and phone calls… Xxx

Erica… Thankyou for always being there, for taking me to lunch and just keeping me company… Can’t wait to be your bridemaid xxx

Anna…. Well what would I have done without you and your family for months!!! You, Henry Richard and Scarlett have kept me sane, the boredom of being at home all the time would’ve driven me nuts without our afternoon cuppas… Thankyou, will miss you terribly when we move.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten someone, thankyou everyone.

Ok so oscar speech over… 6 weeks till my next checkup now… So for now, thankyou and goodnight xx

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Home stretch… Well sort of

Had my radiotherapy assessment appointment yesterday.. I was a bit freaked out about it as my oncologist had previously mentioned that theyd want to tattoo me… Yes I did type that right … Tattoo!!!! Me !! The girl who’s afraid of needles and only had her ears pierced at the ripe age of 35!

So we get there and I was pleasantly surprised to be virtually straight in, which is totally unusual there’s usually at least and hour wait every time I go to the hospital :-).. So we sat down with radiologist and he explained what was going to happen, we talked about the tattoos, which they heavily recommend.. And I donned the usually sexy gown and off we went..

For those of you like me who had never experienced this before here’s the process..

I laid on my back and was put into place by the radiographer, this involved laying there with my right arm ( because Bert (tumour) was in my right breast) above my head holdIng a handle, she then positioned me on the bed ready to be moved into the CT scanner, this is a donut type machine which has a ring in it about 4/5 inches wide which spins around you taking slice type shots… I think :-).
then with marker pens lines are drawn on me around my breast and up into the lymph nodes in. Y neck, this is the area that I will be getting radiotherapy on.. On top of some of these lines tiny metal strips are placed to aid the machine. Essentially a map is drawn on me.

So once in place everyone leaves the room and I am moved in and out of the scanner Whilst they take the shots… Then it’s tattoo time….

I was exceptionally nervous at this point, everyone was great with me and really patient…. Even when the tears fell. The radiologist put 3 crosses on me, one on each side of my body and one one my chest bone between my breasts, then after sterilising each area she placed an ink drop on each point and pressed the ink under my skin with a needle… Though it was uncomfortable it isnt half as bad as the blood taking or canula… I’d worked myself up over nothing :-)..

Should mention that these tattos are done so that they can more acurately align the machine every time I go, daily.

Well that was yesterday.. Feeling fine today in fact I’m really proud of myself, I’ve put on some weight the last few months with the lack of exercise and laying about so I’ve been swimming today!! 50 lengths and I feel tired but really pleased I’ve done it.. Just hope I can continue now.

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Radiotherapy – the next step starts today

I’m now over the last effects of the chemotherapy, apart from hair loss obviously… Much as I wish it would grow back overnight my hair just refuses to do so! Oh how I long for the days when I would wake in a morning and wonder what the hell happened to my hair overnight 🙂

So today starts my next step in the journey, radiotherapy.. I’m off to the hospital in about half an hour for my pre-radio assessment, my understanding from the leaflet and Internet is that they willbe x-ray’ing me today and deciding where to administer the radio.. I believe they will want to give me a permanent tattoo, like a freckle, so that this can be used every time I go to “align” everything…

I haven’t yet received a schedule for the radio, but currently estimating that I’ll start on Monday and have radio 5 days a week for the next 5 weeks…

Little bit apprehensive about today as I don’t like needles and the idea of a tattoo is freaking me out, the rest of it I think I can cope with… Side effects of radio I’m expecting are sore skin and more of the dreaded fatigue!… It’s been so long now I can’t remember what it was like to have energy :-).

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Last chemo tomorrow!!!! …. Can I get a Whoop Whoop :-)

Well here we are 7.5 months on from my diagnosis and tomorrow is my last ( hopefully ever) chemotherapy session!!!! I cannot possibly explain how nice a feeling that is.

Treatment doesn’t end though tomorrow, after 3 weeks “rest” to recover I start my next step with 5 weeks of radiotherapy, 5 days a week… Feel like I’m getting towards the home stretch now though and its a lovely feeling.

As usual a little apprehensive about tomorrow, but at least it’s the last time and this time I won’t have to have the GSF injection on the tuesday to boost my white blood cell count.

Fed up on being bald now so very ready for my hair to start growing again.. Have started trying to watch my weight again this week as I’ve put on a lot through treatment.. Looking forward to trying to start running again in a few weeks time.

Well to all others going through this… Keep strong and smiling x

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Its St George’s day and I’ve battled my dragon

Just come home from round 5 of
My chemo… Just the 1 more now and then 5 weeks of radio and I’m
On the home straight

Radios going to be a pain 5 days a week for 5 weeks!!! Yowzer

I’m a bit dazed now from the lorazepam so I’ll blog more tomorrow

Xc

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Bizarro weather!!

Can’t get over the weather today! Last week I burnt my head through my scarf and today it’s snowing!!! Very bizarre

Feeling pretty poo today… Sick, aching, flushed, and horrible mouth syndrome are all back with a vengeance!

It’s odd how for 2-3 days post chemo my face gets really flushed and hot.. And with a bald head I just look like a tomato!!! Have to say feeling a little fed up now I’m ready for having my life and body back… Not long now.. Hopefully just 6 more weeks till the end of chemo then a few weeks to recuperate before radiotherapy.

It was really windy here last night and we were woken up so then I couldn’t get back to sleep annoyingly so having a lazy sofa day today and for once I don’t feel at all guilty about it!!

Have to say I found it odd yesterday, a friend of mine commented on how I’m doing ok and this whole chemo things is not as scary as it looks on telly… I have mixed emotions about this as its good that I’m portraying a good image to people and I hope that my blog helps others going through this, but also I felt a little frustrated that perhaps because I put on a brave face and get on with it that perhaps people do not understand the magnitude of it all. It is a hugely scary thing and at the back of mind I always have the ” will it come back, will I die” feeling but I have to put this out of my mind and live life..

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Rnd 4 all done!!! 2 to go

Well that’s 4 down now, really pleased… Went well yesterday no problems with anything, clinic was a bit behind schedule but all went well.

The district nurse has just been to give me my gcsf injection to boost my bone marrow to stimulate my white blood cells.. So that’s it now just recovery for 3 weeks then off we go again.

Feel ok today, bit tired as didn’t get much sleep last night… My face is doing its usual red flush thing.. Lasts about 2 days… Look like a tomato!!! Especially when I’ve got my baldy out.

Bizarrely my hair started growing back last week, but then fell out again on Sunday… Balding patches now..

Weathers taken a sorry turn so no sitting outside this week 😌… Nothing much planned this week rest and that’s about it.

Have a good week all, feel free to pop in for coffee anyone xx

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